The rain...

If there's one thing I love more than food, movies and reading, is sitting at home in my room and listening to the rain fall. I have to admit this is one of my favorite things to do when I'm either in my dorm or completely alone in the house. I don't know if it's the sound of the water coming down really fast or the sound of the thunder but it relaxes me. I even love walking in the rain, I feel as though my mind is in another universe and I'm able to put things into perspective, hell I'm able to get the answers to things that I sometimes feel is right in front of me but I don't want to see them because I'm not ready to face the truth.

I may love the rain but I also hate it at the same time. There's a reason why I like to hear it when I'm alone, if my parents are home my dad starts to panic and act as though he had never had to deal with a storm, and get into arguments with my mom. Also if it's a really bad storm our basement tends to get flooded so he starts to panic about that as well. He'll go looking outside the window, he'll go outside for god knows what reason, he'll go downstairs a million times and he'll do this until the rain is over. Here's the thing he doesn't panic about the flood reaching the living room or us drowning nope he worries about our air conditioner breaking down, because if the air conditioner does not work he feels as though he will die. Now don't get me wrong I myself do not like it when the air conditioner isn't working, which is the case at work right now. 3 of our 4 air conditioners are broken and the store is ok but when we're running around trying to get things done it makes it a little harder to not think "my god is it hot in here!" I've said it before and I'll say it again winter is sooooo much better!!

Now don't get me wrong when I'm by myself I check on the basement periodically to make sure everything is on top of something so that they don't get ruined, but I'm not freaking out about, even when our cable loses its signal I either grab a book or pop in a movie because luckily (knock on wood) we've been fortunate enough to not lose light in our house like some of our neighbors. I take that back we've lost the power once in the 19 years we have lived here, so there you go. Our lights will flicker as though we're going to lose it but it doesn't it. Right now I'm trying to imagine myself back in my dorm either reading or watching a movie while the rain is coming down and not having to deal with all of this drama. Truth be spoken this is one of the reasons why I like being away at school and I can not wait to go back. 4 weeks 6 days till I go back. It's not coming here fast enough. So here's my question to all of you what do you love but also hate at the same time because people around you tend to ruin it for you?

An investment...

A few weeks ago, I was told that I should consider taking time off from Grad school because of all the debt that I am accumulating while going to school. I was told that unless I am going to school to pursue a career in the medical field that putting myself in this debt is not worth it. I'll admit I am pretty deep in the hole but it's not like I am throwing my money away on things that I don't need, it's my education. I am putting my money into something that will help me have a better future. My best friend Darien once told me "If you ever need money, just ask, I don't consider it throwing money away I consider it a good investment. You're a good investment. Because I know you'll actually make something of yourself." Well I thought about this quite a bit recently, I've also thought about the crazy investments people make all the time and how they may lose all of their money but in the end they are still able to keep their heads above water. People invest their money in cars, homes, condos, and many, many credit cards,and are not only trying to pay them off, but they keep in the back of their mind that they will be paid off eventually. "It doesn't matter what you do the reality is everyone is always in debt, if it's not a home, it's a car, if it isn't a car, it's credit card debt, but an education is a debt worth having." Why shouldn't I invest my money into something that will help me to afford a home and a car in the future? Our American economy themselves are in billions of dollars in debt but instead of drowning and giving up our American economy is still fighting and trying. It hasn't given up, it's still surviving and so will I and every other undergrad and grad student out there putting themselves in the hole for something that will not only help but benefit them as well. I have decided to not giving up despite what a few people are telling me, I know what I am doing and it's possible that maybe in the end I will be in debt for the rest of my life, but as my mentor told me this week " So unless you become a doctor an education is not worth the money? That's bleak and pessimistic. Yes, it will be a burden, but a manageable one. Yes, it will take a long time to pay back, but it will be in small pieces, and that's what paying the bills is all about." I am not giving up and neither should anyone else...So here's my question to you...What are you investing in that people say you shouldn't be?

If someone would have told me...

If someone would have told me that I was going to be going to school in Wisconsin, I would have said "no way that will never happen." If someone would have told me that I would be a part of the Concordia family, I would have said "No, I'll be at Roosevelt." If someone would have told me that I would actually like living in Wisconsin, I would have said "Hells' no, it's SO boring there." If someone were to ask me if I would actually miss Wisconsin, I would say "Yes, but Chicago is and will forever be my home, no matter where I live." I came here almost 9 months ago, and at first I loved the idea of just being able to get away from things for a little while, then one night it really hit me that I was not at home anymore, that for the first time ever I was alone and then I was sad and scared. For a while I kept questioning whether or not I had made the right choice, in the back of my mind I already knew that it was, but I would still sit in my room and ask myself "how the hell did I not only get into grad school, but managed to come here as well?" There were even a few times when I went to chapel to not only cry and ask "What am I doing here?!" I would also pray for strengh to at least make it through the year before I made my final choice. If someone would have asked me would I come back next fall, I would have said "I don't know." The first few nights I was here I had nightmares like there was no tomorrow, I would also wake up in the middle of night and forget where I was. I also had to get used to my bed, because it was a twin, when I was used to a queen size bed so a few nights of falling off were just awesome!;-/ Then my classes started, and truth be spoken I almost fell out of my chair that day, luckily not many people saw it. Then came the issues of making friends, work, money, homework, meeting expectations, dealing with death, learning to get by on little money, learning to keep myself busy and so on and so on. Out of all these things the ones I had the most difficulty with were making friends, and learning to keep busy. Then somehow it got a little easier slowly but surely, I still struggle with these two things...but now I can honestly say if someone were to tell me Roosevelt accepted me, I would say "well that's awesome but I'm already in school and I love it and I don't care if other people say Wisconsin is boring." I can not tell a lie, as much as I really really like Wisconsin and probably can grow to love it, it's not home. Chicago is my home and I CANNOT wait to be home for the summer but then again I'll admit this my secret to you, I will start to miss Wisconsin. Who knows I might actually sit in my room in Chicago and say "what the hell am I doing home?!" I doubt I'll fall off the bed, but I do expect to wake up every now and then and have to remind myself that I'm home. So here's my question to you...If someone would have told you...whatever what would you have said?

I thought I was done with high school thinking

I'm 25 years old going on 26 and yet there are still times when I think like a kid in high school. For a few weeks now I haven't spoken to my friend Stacy. I had tried calling and emailing her during break but heard nothing from her. My first two thoughts were "is she mad at me again? or did something happen to her?" Because I know of her conditions the second thought was the one that scared me the most, but I have to admit part of me also kept thinking that she was mad at me for some reason. Well that was about 4 weeks ago, and today I finally got an answer. She finally emailed and out of respect for her I will not say why she hasn't been coming to school. I will say that she is on leave for now. I'm happy to say that she wasn't mad at me but I am sad to say that I hadn't seen or heard from her because of the second reason, I don't know exactly what happened but I'm sure she will tell me when she's ready. I have to admit I find it hilarious that as I said I'm 25 and yet at times I still think like a kid in high school. "Is she mad at me? What did I say? Why won't they tell me to my face?" Things like that still pop in my head every now and then...I'll admit I don't like when people are mad at me, especially when I know why they're mad at me, but then again I don't think many people like it when someone is mad, angry, frustrated, upset with them. In my case it makes me feel as though something is wrong with me, I begin to question whether or not I am a good friend or if there are things about me I should try to change...but of course when I start thinking about both of these things I look at the friends I have now and think "If there were something wrong with me, why would my other friends still talk to me?" Then after a while I get a headache because I can't come up with a different answer other than "I'm not a bad friend" most of the time this is all I can think of to make myself feel better, which is interesting, the fact that I need to feel as though I am a good friend, when I may not be to some people is a little disturbing to me. There are plenty of people who say they don't care what people think of them, or they don't care if someone is mad at them, I'll admit I'm in between. On one hand I do care about what people think and on the other hand I don't care; I will admit it usually will depend on the person telling me. Erikison and Freud would both say it's because of something that might have happened to me as an infant, which could be the case, it could also be because of my childhood years in grade school and the lack of friends there and the ones that I thought were friends weren't. Maybe Freud and Erikison were right about the fact that a person's infancy and childhood play a vital role in the transition from child to adult. But then again that's just me, so here are my questions to all of you why do you believe people tend to value other people's input on things? And are there times when you think like a kid in high school? And is it possible that we always have moments when we think and possibly act like kids in high school no matter how old we get?

THE BIGGEST HOLIDAY OF THE YEAR IS COMING...OSCAR NIGHT!!!

The biggest holiday of the year is coming or at least I consider it the biggest holiday of the year. The Academy Awards! The biggest night in the film industry, the one night of the year when actors and actresses, producers, directors,writers, foreign actors, writers come together and be told whether or not they are the best. The funny thing aside from the films they get judged on they also get judged on their fashion sense (especially the women), their hair, makeup, tuxedos, shoes, everything and anything possible. The one night of year where regular folks like me can get all dressed up and pretend that we are part of the Hollywood light for one night and cheer for those we want to see win, boo those we didn't want to see win. We get to see how actresses believe they have fashion sense when in reality some need major help. I know it seems silly to people that there are people like me and my family who look forward to Oscar night but truth be spoken a lot of the actresses who are nominated or go to Oscar night are women I look up to and I feel as though I am showing my loyalty to women who are helping me get through my days, especially my days through school. Silly yes I know but it feels as though everything they do to get to their dreams is everything I have to do to get to my dreams. They need to work very hard to prove themselves as actors to the Academy Award Board, who give the final grade on whether they not only get an Oscar nomination but whether or not they get the Oscar. I have to do the same thing, I have to work very hard in school to prove to my professors that I not only deserve an "A" but deserve my diploma in the end. My diploma is my Oscar. So here's my question to you...what is your Oscar?

Worried...but I love my earrings

My best friend Darien finally gave me the Sapphire earrings that he had told me he had gotten me but I didn't believe him at first because I am one of those people that I don't believe it till I see it. Well I have to admit when I saw the box I thought "OH MY GOD, HE WASN'T LYING TO ME!" And actually I ended up saying it out loud completely by accident, in which Darien responded "What?! You doubted me?! Why would you do that?!" I have to admit once again I love the earrings, they are soooooo beautiful and even if they weren't real(which they are) I would still love them and I would still love him. Darien gave me one of the best presents I had ever gotten, now I don't mean I've gotten crappy gifts for Christmas but these are really special to me. Aside from my parents nobody else, including many of my ex's have ever gotten me jewelery or real jewelery for that matter and he did. I'll say this much he has good taste. I spent most the day with him on Monday and that day I saw many interesting sides to him...I saw his sweet side, his irritated side, his stressful side, his parental side, his political side and out of all his sides the one that stood out the most and I'm just spit balling here but I believe I also saw his moronic side. He told me two stories about two women both of which he's interested in, girl number 1 is his ex-girlfriend aka his first love,(from high school) who is unhappily married and has a son. Girl number 2 has a boyfriend, but here's the interesting part to this girl, Darien left this bit of information out (why... I'm still trying to figure out) but according to a mutual friend of Darien's and myself, who met girl 2, she is an 18 year old college Freshman who is a replica of his ex-girlfriend (of 3 years) whom he broke up with about a year ago. Coincidence I don't think so! Now here's the thing I know that both of the relationships with these girls are going to end bad, he said it himself he wants a relationship with girl 2, which means he wants a relationship in general which makes me worry a little more about girl 1. I don't know why but something tells me that because of their history girl 1 is going to try to make Darien her safety net, especially because he is doing so well for himself. He works at AT&T, he just recently got a promotion, which also means more money, and he just recently moved into his own apartment; so basically if girl 1 plays her cards right with him and is able to break him, she would basically be taken cared of. Truthfully...I'm worried that he isn't as over girl 1 as he claims to be and I'm also worried that girl 2 is going to be a bad rebound, and even though he claims to have it under control I can't help but doubt him. So here's the thing ordinarily I have questions to ask all of you to help me figure out a few things, but in this case I don't have any questions because I'm not sure what to ask for... but because I can't end this blog without any questions to ask I'll leave all of you with these questions...what do you think? And what should I ask?

Giving things up for Lent...

I was raised Roman Catholic and I have to admit when it comes to Lent aside from meat on Fridays I don't give any else up for Lent. I remember being in grade school and every year the whole school would go to church for the beginning of Lent. We would have a ceremony, and every year the priest would ask the students to raise their hands if they were giving up anything else for Lent besides meat on Fridays. I would always keep my hand down because meat was the only thing I gave up. Then aside from the church ceremony, we would be given a list of things that we didn't have to do but would supposedly help us to give up certain things for Lent, like chips, cookies, soda, watching too much TV, things like that; which I never did, and truthfully I still don't do. Aside from giving things up for Lent we would also be told to try to do some charity work. Those were always interesting because some of the things I remember seeing, I would think to myself "I can't do this stuff I'm just a kid." Some of the things I remember seeing on there were help the homeless, do some volunteer work, raise money for the homeless. I always wondered how they expected us to do some of those things, we were kids, and because we were kids we really couldn't do anything without our parents permission or without our parents. Regardless of that I would still go to church every Friday for prayer service, go to church on Palm Sunday and give up meat for 3 days prior to Easter Sunday. When I was in 8Th grade I played the Virgin Mary when we reenacted Jesus being hammered to the cross. Then many years later I graduated grade school, graduated high school, graduated college and over the years I noticed that I started stumbling when it came to Lent. There were times when I wasn't able to make it to church on Ash Wednesday to receive my ashes, at times I would forget that I wasn't suppose to eat meat on Fridays or the 3 days prior to Easter Sunday and I would go and have a double bacon cheeseburger. So here are my questions to all of you...I may have been raised a Catholic and I still believe and respect everything I've been taught and I've gone to Catholic grade school and Christian colleges and I know why we're suppose to give things up for Lent but part of me can't help but wonder how is giving up things for Lent suppose to help us become better people or better Christians for that matter? And if my stumbling has made me a sinner?