Unable to stay angry...

OK so as all of you know one of my recent blogs was how angry I was at my friend Darien for not meeting me on Tuesday like we had originally planned. Here's the thing as angry as I was, I sat on the train watching a movie and I went from thinking about how upset I was to thinking about the time when I really sad about something and he tried cheering me up. He pretended to be a musician and playing on his imaginary guitar, he looked like such a dork. I sat on the train and thought about the many hugs we have given each other, how at first he was one of the few people who supported my education choices;(actually when it comes to our education we are both very supportive of one another) and the countless times he has been a sweetheart. I found myself laughing at all of our dumb meaningless conversation as well as the dumbest debates on the planet. Actually whenever we're together we always, never fails get into the strangest debates. For example during Christmas break we were walking around the neighborhood and we were looking at all the homes that had Christmas decorations on them and I said (and I still firmly believe) that multi-color lights tend to look better than gold lights, Darien disagreed. In fact he was dead set on trying to convince me that gold lights tend to look better than multi-color lights. Every house we saw whether it be gold or multi-color lights we would argue about why our preference was better. I would say this debate went on for about 5-8 blocks until we...actually this is one of the many things we don't agree on. Now don't get me wrong we don't always have meaningless conversations, in fact he is one of the few people I can actually hold a decent conversation with about almost anything. In the end I sat there thinking about all of this and I found myself saying "one day, one measly day he doesn't up. Out of how many times he has he always managed to make time for me? How many times has he been there when I needed a shoulder to cry on? How many times has he been there to make or attempt to make me laugh? He has always shown up." Which is very true as busy as we both are, one way or another we seem to always make time to see one another, or we text one another like crazy, in fact I had to change my text messaging plan because of the many texts we send one another; which to be perfectly honest is more than what I tend to do for other friends. (When I really think about it, I realize I'm being unfair to my other friends. I tend to make more time for him than I do everyone else. That's not fair at all.) By the time I got back to school I found myself saying "I can't stay made at this bastard. Why can't I stay mad at this miserable bastard?" ( my exact words too)I asked a friend mine this and she had an interesting response to this she said that maybe we've become to dependent on one another, that we're possibly replacing our exes with each other...which could be true. So here are my questions to all of you why wasn't I able to stay angry at him? And is it possible that he and I are becoming dependant on another because of the lack of relationships?

Do clothes and makeup make us confidante?

How confidente are we when we walk out of the door in the clothes we wear? One of my favorite shows is on TLC it's called "What Not to Wear" I have gotten a lot of ideas to not only add to my look but change certain things about it as well; to make me not only look but feel better about myself. I see many of the people who are nominated as candidates for the show and I noticed they all have a two things in common, they tend to have low self esteem about themselves which is one of the reasons why they don't make an effort to look their best because they tend to feel as though they are not worth it, which in my opinion is not true, everybody is always worth looking good. The second thing I notice is that because most of these people have low self esteem they tend to find clothes that do not help accentuate not only their bodies but their persona as well, they tend to find clothes that make them look horrible and look as though they have no fashion sense; when in reality they do they just don't know how to bring out their fashions because their low self esteem has taken over their mind. I believe one of my favorite episodes was one where the mother completely hated her hair cut and because she had set in her mind that old hair do was better she went to her hair saloon and had them apply hair extensions and dye her hair blond, she did it because she felt that her new beautiful hair would not grab a man's attention. After she was done she went from looking like a beautiful mature woman to a woman who is trying too hard to look sexy. Now when I first started writing this, I thought all people ever do is spend money to look and feel beautiful because they have low self-esteem issues, but after this weekend I got a little different perspective. I do believe people go through all of that crap to feel amazing but it's more than that...I can't really describe it but this weekend I went shopping for a new dress for Easter and for dinner with Darien. Now at first when I chose the dress I thought "it's cute, it's pretty, it'll do, but then my friend suggested to add a belt and suggested how I should do my hair and make-up infact I even got a free make-up consoltation. I know I'm a pretty girl, but having said that after I got the make-up done and I put the dress and shoes and everything to go with it; I thought "wow, I not only look beautiful but I actually feel beautiful too." It's amazing how a little make-up and a pretty outfit can make a person feel as if they're the most beautiful person in the world and give them that boost of confidence they need to not only feel beautiful but desireable as well. It also give a person a feeling of actually belonging. So here's my question to all of you how beautiful do you feel when you walk out of your house in your outfit and make up?

Waiting...

There are many things I wait for, I wait for dinner while my mother or a friend cooks it, I'll wait for weeks for a good movie or book to either come to the big screen or to come in the mail, I wait for the train as I wait to get back to school, I wait for money to come in and typically I am very patient but here's my question how long do I wait for a friend before I call quits and go home? I made two appointments today to visit with two good friends, whose names will be changed to Mark, and Darien. Mark showed up after he got of work, he even called to a) make sure I was at the designated place and to tell me that he needed a cigarette so he was going to be a few minutes late. Mark was considerate enough to call me and let me know so that I would not be sitting there wondering "where is this punk?" Very sweet and responsible. Now the other one is my best friend Darien, who incidentally called me this morning very excited to tell me that he had found my Christmas present, which are Sapphire earrings. Now when he first told me what he had gotten I didn't want to believe him until I saw the earrings because I've had men in the past tell me they had gotten me a present for whatever reason but what a coincidence when it came time to giving it to me they would either A) forget them day after day or B) misplace them. So most of the time I would get very excited but then would wind up disappointed because in the end I realized they never got me anything they were just pulling the old "I got you something but..." and usually I got this line whenever I got them something and they weren't expecting it. Now typically I don't really care whether or not a person gets me a present because I love to give people presents especially when they don't expect them. Now you may be asking yourself if I don't care then why am I ranting well here's why. I told him I'd be at the designated place around 3:00 I told him he told me to call him when I had arrived; which I did I texted when I had arrived and settled in. To which he responded that he was in class, which I didn't know about, so I thought and responded "oh ok, well I'll be here for a while get here when you can." That was at 2:45, I thought "ok, in my experience classes on Tues and Thurs tend to run a later than classes on Mon, Wed, Fri because typically those classes only meet twice a week. So I thought "ok he might be done around 4:00 or maybe a little later so I'll wait" Meanwhile my awesome friend Mark looked really tired so I told him to go home and get some rest, that was a little after 4:30 and still no show, no call from my friend Darien. So I thought ok well maybe he's stuck in traffic or something I'll give him a little more time, finally at 5:17 I texted him asking if he forgot about me, to which he reapplied no 'I"m still in the process of moving." To which I said "Oh" then he responded "sorry kiddo". I responded "It's ok." Even though in the back of my head I was thinking "why didn't you tell me any of this before?! It would have been nice to know that I might not see you at all today!" I'll admit it's 5:58 and I've lost feeling my butt because I've been sitting in the same chair for almost 3 hours and yet now I am not only waiting for him, but now I'm waiting for a movie to start just to give him a little more time, in case he is able to make it. Ok now just to remind you this is the same Darien that I have mentioned before, the one that I love very much as a friend and as more. So here' s my question "how much longer do I wait?" Do I continue waiting in hopes of not only seeing him and these so called earrings or do I call it a night and go home? Here's my other question "why the hell do we do this?' Why in the hell do we sit and wait for men? Why do continue thinking that if we continue waiting that they'll show up when the reality is they are not going to show up.

A blessing in disguise?

I am 25 years old and I have been working since I was 16, I'm in grad school and not only am I in school I am actually living on campus as well. I guess you could say I'm getting the actual college experience that I didn't get a chance to have as an undergrad. Now I quit my crappy little job, because I thought I had a job lined up here on campus in the end it was a bust. So now I have applying to every possible position available here at school, and just now as I sitting here and reading my email I remembered how a year ago I said "I wish I didn't have to work, I wish I could just go to grad school and just focus on school." Now the only reason I was working was to keep up with my bills, but here's the best part I'm getting a bit of money back from school and I did the math in my head and calculated everything from tuition loans that I am currently paying back to credit card payments as well, and if I did my math right and I like to think I did I might be able to make it for the next four months without working, now granted if I do get a job that would be great, but considering I really don't spend a whole lot of money here and we've just started tax season, which means a little extra cash as well and when I go home for spring break I'll be working at my crappy little job; plus I also have my parents and worse case scenario I ask them for cash every now and then but I don't think I'll necessarily need to do that, but that would mean I could actually make it this semester; I could just focus on school. As hard as this is to believe but I think not having a job might be a blessing in disguise. Of course I know I'll have to tighten my belt and watch my pennies which I know how to do very well, but maybe I should consider taking time off from working and just focus on school and take better care of myself and sort of be able to relax. So here's my question to y'all should I take consider my not working a blessing in disguise?

Are people suppose to be friends or yes people?

What is a friend? Why do we have them? I've always thought friends are people who are suppose to be honest and be there for you when you need them, but sometimes I wonder if that's true. Lately it seems as though one of my friends doesn't want a friend she just wants someone who will sit there and lie because she doesn't want to hear the truth. Now granted nobody likes to hear the truth, hell I don't like to hear the truth but I would rather hear the truth and try to change then sit there and pretend everything is ok when it's clearly not. My friend who's name will be changed to Stacy does not get the hint that she isn't well. She is emotionally unstable and keeps letting herself get hurt by her "ex" or truthfully I don't know what he is. This boy and I use the word boy because he is not a man. This boy keeps treating her like crap and they keep "breaking up" but then she is, I'm sorry to say, dumb enough to take him back. Now I'm not saying it's entirely his fault she is just if not more to blame than he is. Now typically when a girl breaks up with a guy or the other way around the dumper will try to avoid the dumped. In this case Stacy keeps trying to have a relationship with this man and here is why he doesn't want her he has an arranged marriage. And Stacy can not get through her head that their relationship will never work because they not only religion differences they also have culture differences, she's white and Christian, he's Hindu and here's my favorite part she is closed minded and believes that things should be her way, and is not very open to changes. She is emotionally wrecked and she also has trust issues, she doesn't trust anyone but herself, when she told me this I told her straight out that she cannot be a counselor if she doesn't have an open-mind. Now I decided to give Stacy a little test last Friday when we hung out, I told her that in order for her to get the ball back in his court, especially because again they were "broken up" I told her to not talk to him for the entire weekend, well of course I knew she wasn't going to follow through and then she tries to justify why she was texting him and then ruined our night. We ended up leaving around 9:00 because she started to get sad, now out of respect for her boss, I just said fine we'll leave because I didn't want to confront her in front of her boss. I kept quiet in the car and just like I knew she would because she always does she brought him up and I told her the same thing that I have been telling her for about 2 months that this guy is not going to take her seriously, he is not going to commit to her, blah, blah,blah,blah and here's my other favorite part I am not the only person who has been telling her this. Oh no her boss and a few of her other friends have been telling her this as well, and because of this she is not speaking to some of her friends. And tonight it seemed as though she was trying to end our friendship because and I quote "I am not emotionally stable enough to be able to stand here and have you call me narcissistic and I like that your blunt but at times I just don't want to hear it." So I told her something that I have been wanting to tell her for weeks, I told her "I don't bring up your "ex" you always bring him and you bring him up because you not only want to rant but you're asking for advice but unfortunately I'm not telling you what you want to hear. You want me to tell you "fine go ahead be with him" well unfortunately I'm not going to sit here and lie to you like you want me to, especially because I can see that he is hurting you, and that you are not well." What is the point in having friends if they're not going to be honest with you? Why have them then? Why not just say I don't want a friend I want a lackey? So my question is are friends suppose to be honest with you or are they just suppose to tell you what you want to hear instead of the truth?

When it goes around does it really come around?

Today I had lunch with my best friend whose name will be changed to...Darien. He and I met in high school and at first we both had the idea that we hated each other when in reality we didn't. We became friends during community college but it was mostly because we were in the same clubs; so in reality we knew each other because of high school and because we were in the same clubs. Then I transferred to a four year university, we kept in touch with the occasional phone call and or email then we lost contact for a while and then about two years I sent him an email and actually got a response from him, one that changed our friendship for the better. We went from supposedly "hating each other" to being acquainted to one another to becoming best friends. Funny how that happens but I will admit that I've had or rather still have a crush on him but I've gotten better at hiding it. Now I know what you're thinking... "why don't you just tell him?" Well I did about a year ago I finally told him I had feelings for him and his response was... well he's my best friend for a reason and basically it's because he didn't have the same feelings for me. Which is fine, I don't let my feelings for him stop me from seeing other people, I've gotten to gotten to know Darien very well and I have to admit it's nice to have a friend like him in my life. He's one of those friends that you know will be there when you need a shoulder to cry on or just to let you rant when needed, and I speak from experience on both of these accounts. He has let me cry on his shoulder on more than one occasion and the one thing I love about him is that he lets me cry and does not push me to stop. He is an amazing man and I love him very much for that. Now the reason why I am posting this question today, he told me a very interesting story, after I finally told him a secret I had been keeping he told me one he was keeping as well and no he does not have secret feelings for me on the contrary a girl he used to like years ago while we were at Community College, who in the end didn't not return the feelings at the time. Well apparently he didn't take the rejection very well for a while which I didn't know, but then he got over it and got over her. Well this year that same girl told him just recently that she has feelings for him. And like her years ago he does not see her that way. Now I know this girl and I know for a fact that she will get over it and will eventually move on; but here's what I found interesting years ago he told her he liked her and took her on a great date and after many years she would compare all of her dates to their date and in the end she developed feelings for him just to get rejected. So this is why I ask the old saying what goes around comes around, does that really happen? He liked her but she didn't like him and then many years later she realized he was a great catch and was an idiot for not taking the bait while she had the chance, she tries to reel him now but in the end gets rejected just like he did years ago. What do you think? When it comes to dating does it really come around or are just idiots for not seeing things sooner?

Why not me?

I just had a revelation...or more like a breakdown about the fact that my ex-boyfriend and I broke up for good. We broke up over a month ago after 2 years of flirting, and making out we finally became a couple this past July just for it to turn into a long distance relationship because I ended up moving to Wisconsin, and he moved back to North Carolina. We broke up or rather I dumped him because it finally hit me that even though we were "together" if you could even call it that, we weren't and we were never going to be. He was never going to introduce me to his family, in fact I don't think he would have even acknowledge that I was his girlfriend if anybody asked him. I was just going to be some mistress he had in Chicago because according to him his family is very racist and would never accept me and he wasn't willing to fight for me. If I hadn't mentioned wanting to see him, during Christmas break I would have been left as the dumb Hispanic girl in Chicago, while he married someone his family did approve of aka a white girl. What the hell was I thinking? I wanted to be with him more than I have wanted to be with anyone and in the end I got my heart broken by this so called man, and now I have to sit here and wonder "why not me?" I hear this everyday "you're so smart, you're so sweet, you're so cool, you're a great person, you're a beautiful person, you've got a great future ahead of you blah,blah,blah,blah...BLAH FREAKING BLAH!!!!!!!!!!!!! If I am all of these things and more than why wasn't it enough for him? What more did he want? What is wrong with me? So my question for you is what is wrong with all the women that can't find a decent man? What makes it so hard for a good woman to find a good man?